What do I do now?

God has me in a season of rest. But it hasn't been easy. More often than I'd like to admit, I've felt more restless than restful. Most days there is a pleading question on my lips and in my heart, "Hello, God, did you forget I exist?" Over the past decade, I went from a woman who got up every day and faithfully put on my garment of shame and regret, to a woman scandalously set free by the love of my amazing Savior, to a woman who had the immense joy and privilege of serving alongside a team of sisters in Christ in ministry for 5 years, to a woman who ... what is it I do now?

And that's the crux of the matter. What do I "do" now? In a season of rest, one should be happy to rest, right? Yet in a culture of "do this" and "do that" and "do more" and always "do, do, do SOMETHING," we feel insignificant, unimportant, overlooked, and even useless unless we are doing something. Oh, and of course that "something" must be significant in our own estimation or we still feel as though we're failing God, or others, or ourselves, or all of the above.

In our world, we long to be included, important, and intimately cared for by someone who truly loves us. No one wants to be ignored, insignificant...put out to pasture.

In God's world, we are included, important, and intimately cared for by Someone who truly loves us. We are never ignored, insignificant, and when we are put out to pasture, it's a good thing not a bad thing! It's a place of rest. Not a place of abandonment.

I'm still learning this. I'm talking to me! And maybe, just maybe, God is talking to you today as well.

God is quite content to put us in seasons where there appears to be no forward movement, where life comes to a screeching halt. It's here where we learn that we're not what we do; we're simply someone he enjoys. - Susie Larson

The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
he refreshes my soul.

Father, teach me to thoroughly enjoy you; as much as you thoroughly enjoy me.

See that mess? Let it go.

You know that gut-wrenching feeling when someone hurts you, does something seriously wrong, doesn't seem to care, maybe even seems prideful about it, moves happily along, and leaves you with a gaping heart wound?

It's a bad feeling no matter what, but it's amplified many times over when inflicted by a fellow believer, by someone you thought you could trust, by someone who knows better. You're left wondering, "How could this possibly happen in the family of God?" It's the kind of overwhelming pain that causes you to feel physically ill at times. And to top it off, that's not the worst part.

The worst part is the sin it spawns in your own heart and mind.

Yep. That's right. What started off as someone else's sin, has now begun its destructive work in your life. Like a cancer that silently spreads, the signs and symptoms progressively manifest until it's obvious something is very, very wrong in you.

And just like we all hate cancer, I venture to guess we all hate the effect of someone else's sin in our heart. I mean, really. You were going along your merry way, and BOOM! someone up and disrupts your life with their yucky junk. And once the damage is done, it can take several weeks (or months! or years!) to work through what happened. You see, it isn't enough to simply know you have a heart problem. You can know all day long your heart has developed some serious life-altering problems, but knowledge alone is not an automatic fix to becoming healthy and whole.

The sad reality of unresolved conflict is that it typically leads to more sin than was originally present. Some very ugly feelings and unwelcome questions arise as a result of being wronged; especially when the wrong is not righted through biblical peacemaking.

Feelings like:

Anger - a strong feeling of displeasure and belligerence aroused by a wrong
Resentment - a feeling of indignant displeasure or persistent ill will at something regarded as a wrong, insult, or injury
Bitterness - anger and disappointment at being treated unfairly; resentment
Unforgiveness - not disposed to forgive or show mercy; unrelenting
Pride - a feeling that you are more important or better than other people

Those are strong words with strong meanings. Did you catch some of them? Belligerence. Persistent ill will. Unrelenting. Better than. Yeah, that's ugly, alright. And the irony is, you may have seen these sinful attitudes in the person who wronged you - yet now those same feelings have taken root in you - perhaps exacerbated by their unwillingness to be at peace with you. It's a vicious cycle the enemy loves and surely makes the Savior weep.

And questions like:

What did I do to deserve this animosity, opposition, betrayal?
How on earth is God not dealing with the wrong things he/she did?
Why does he/she get to go on as if nothing happened, with no accountability, well-respected by others, and serving God to boot?
When will I be able to move past these yucky feelings?

I'm sure some of you could add your own feelings and questions to the list, couldn't you? But that's the bad news. The good news is this: we don't have to remain stuck with these feelings and questions.

We have a God who redeems and restores. And while that broken relationship may never be redeemed or restored, God can do miraculous things inside a person with a willing mind and a pliable heart.

Of all the things God has taught me in life, one of the hardest and most repeated lessons over the past 10 years has been: let it go.

I'm tellin' ya, I've had to leave more things unresolved than I care to remember. My typical response? Say what? WHY? HOW? Ummm...NO. There must be something I can do. Your word says so, God. This isn't right!

While it's true that God's word does guide us in how to resolve conflict within the body of Christ, I've learned through a great deal of pain, heartache, and experience that it doesn't always turn out rosy. Just as it takes two to tango, it takes two to make peace. So as sad as it is to leave things messy, sometimes that is exactly what God asks us to do. No amount of anger or pain (even justified anger or pain) is worth giving up what I have with Jesus. I've gotta let go of the darkness to walk in the Light.

Does this answer all the questions I have? Not even close. I am a work in progress and becoming like Christ is a process. So I will continue to "work out my salvation with fear and trembling" {Phil. 2}; I will think on what is true, pure, and right {Phil. 4}; and I will trust God to do what he does best - change hearts and lives - the greatest miracle of all {2 Cor. 5:17}. I'd love to hear how God has, or is, helping you through your pain. We can always learn from and love one another!

Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. {Ephesians 4:32}

Emmanuel - breaking the silence

Between the closing words Malachi in the Old Testament: “See, I will send the prophet Elijah to you before that great and dreadful day of the LORD comes…”

And the opening words of Matthew in the New Testament: “This is the genealogy of Jesus the Messiah the son of David, the son of Abraham…”

…there are 400 years of silence when God ceases communication with his people, and then – Emmanuel; God with us.

But 400 years is a long, long time. Fear, uncertainty and hopelessness must have gripped the hearts of God’s people throughout that time. A spiritual drought set in.

There are times in my life when I’ve experienced a season of silence or spiritual drought. And as much as I longed to sense God’s presence with me, I felt nothing – well, nothing except a big dose of frustration, fear, and uncertainty. But it was during those times that I learned the true meaning of faith. Trusting what I cannot see or feel. I learned through these lonely times that God’s presence is not dependent on whether or not I feel him with me. He is with me because he says he is with me – period.

The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. {Deut. 31:8}

As we go through the Christmas season, I am determined to exercise my faith. Exercise means "the act of bringing into play or realizing in action." As I give my attention to Emmanuel, I will bring my faith into play by intentionally seeing and hearing others who are struggling through a season of silence. Who can I help? To whom can I offer the hope I have found in Jesus? An act of kindness has the power to break the silence in someone’s life.

Lord, let my life speak volumes to someone who needs to encounter you today – Emmanuel.