I have a life

Once upon a time, a blonde-haired, brown-eyed (bull-headed) boy was born to a blonde-haired, blue-eyed (bull-headed) single mom.

And that little boy, and his little brown-haired, brown-eyed (sweet-mannered) sister - who came 14 months later - changed the life of that sinful young girl.
Well, actually Jesus did that. But he used these precious little ones to do it.

Fast-forward almost two decades and I haven't been a single mom for half that time; nor am I (nearly as) bull-headed. My "precious little ones" are no longer little at all; but their temperaments from birth are still firmly in tact. I'll never know what kind of mom I would've been had I been married to their dad from the time they were born. I only know that they became my whole world and that they "saved me" from my very destructive self. For the first time in my life, I truly cared about someone else - and what was best for them - far more than I cared about what I wanted or thought I needed. Being the best mom I could be was my number one priority, and that drove me into a relationship with Jesus like I'd never had before. Because when it came down to it, I realized that Jesus was who I needed most of all. And Jesus was who I wanted to give my children more than anything.

This past November, our oldest son, Jensen, left home and entered the Air Force. For nearly 18 months leading up to his departure for Basic Military Training (BMT), I scoured the internet learning all kinds of things about his new life in the USAF. Gathering everything I could from the official Air Force site, as well as support groups on Facebook, all the information I could find was safely compiled into Word documents. This became my go-to reference material when various questions would arise, and information of particular relevance to Jensen's upcoming BMT experience was printed off for his reading pleasure. I watched numerous YouTube videos and oftentimes sat watching them with Jensen. We would laugh loudly at the intimidating MTI's (Military Training Instructors) yelling at their nervous BMT trainees - and we had hours and hours of conversation. But that part was normal...

Jensen has always been a talker. And he will tell you pretty much anything, even the stuff you really don't want to know. I love that about him. Our bond is strong and there was some concern in the family about how I would fare when Jensen left our home. In fact, Jensen asked me about it one day while we were at Steak 'n Shake together. I remember it because I wanted him to really hear my answer, to know that I was going to be okay, and that I would be more than okay. In a nutshell, I told him something like this, "I love you a lot and I am going to miss you like crazy, but I'll be fine. There is more to me than being your mom, and Noelle's mom, and Lauren's mom. I'm also Linda. I'm a child of God just like you are, and he has plans for me that include more than being your mom. I'm excited about what he's going to do in your life, and in mine."

In other words, I let him know (and affirmed to myself), "I have a life that doesn't include you."

Part of that life involves writing and teaching. This past winter, I taught a 6-week Bible study at our local church - a study that I had spent over a year writing. When it came time to teach it, I was wracked with fear. I felt an overwhelming aversion to opening my mouth and speaking in front of people. This had never happened to me before and only by the Lord's mighty power did I get through it, but not without a HUGE spiritual battle every, single week. Anything good that resulted from my teaching was purely a gracious act of God because all I wanted was for it to be OVER.

When it finally was over, I was determined that the enemy would not win in this area of my life and I signed up for a writer/speaker's conference in North Carolina. I had no way of knowing when I registered for the conference that it would coincide with the exact dates of Jensen's Tech School graduation and homecoming. Say it isn't so!

What's a mom to do?? I've only seen my son twice in the last 9 months. I'm so proud of what he's accomplished. I want to BE HERE when he comes home and be the first one to give him a big "welcome home" hug. That should be ME. I'm the MOM! Surely I am going to have to bail on this conference. Not to mention, my husband now has an out-of-state job and who is going to stay with my girls, and we could certainly use that money for something else...and...and...and you-name-it.

But I have a great husband, and great friends, and a GREAT God. This past week, in a matter of hours, God made it clear to me that I'll live (and Jensen will certainly live), if I'm not the one to welcome him home. So I'm embracing this new life of having an adult child. I'm embracing what God has planned for me, Linda; not just me, Mom. By doing so, I am continuing to lead my kids to Jesus, showing them that he holds my heart. And I'm happy to say that when Jensen arrives home from Tech School, I will be happily surrounded by 29 other women of God in North Carolina who also have a life!

"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."